Are you ashamed to expose your boring plastic mobile to public ridicule? Do you wince every time its shrill, digital ring cuts through the air? Then you’ve got a nasty case of handset envy, probably thanks to a flood of new, designer mobiles and flashy accessories.

Technological ‘phone-upmanship’ is nothing new, from ’80s yuppies comparing hernias brought on by briefcase-sized mobiles to kids swapping ring-tones at school. But the coolest phones today aren’t those with the best cameras, longest battery life or most advanced Bluetooth connections, they’re the ones with the most bling to their ring.

Vertu, an off-shoot of Nokia, kick-started the trend for luxury phones with a range of hand-crafted handsets smothered in precious stones and boasting a global concierge service that could find a walker for your Labradoodle at 4am in Rio de Janeiro. Current mobiles include a limited edition Silverstone phone in synthetic rubber for £3,650 and a diamond-encrusted White Gold Signature Full Pave model for a cool £25,000. Celebrity owners include Gwyneth Paltrow, Madonna and J-Lo.

More affordable at £250 is Dolce & Gabbana Motorola V3, slinking into pockets with a liquid gold finish, exclusive ringtone and D&G video clips. But if you don’t want a whole new phone, there are hundreds of shiny ways to customise the phone you’ve got. Graham Stapleton from The Carphone Warehouse says, “We’ve seen a huge uptake in the sale of fashion accessories. With mobile phones becoming an extension of who we are, these items allow you to create your own individual look and stand out from the crowd.”

Sparkling danglers start from just a few quid, charms that flash when your phone rings are little more and bright slip-on skins protect while they personalise. Cheap DIY Bling Ring kits that use dozens of coloured Swarovski crystals have been seen on the phones of US pop stars Britney Spears and Ashlee Simpson, and will make an appearance in Paris Hilton’s new film, Pledge This! Even serious jewellers are getting on board, with glamorous phone accessories from international brands such as Cartier.

It's who you are
And it’s not just about what you put on your phone, according to Anthony Dalby, Design Director at Nokia: “It’s about a total personalisation of your personal device, from the physical to the digital. Personal images taken with the device and used as wallpaper are the norm now. Ringtones are also a very strong communication of who you are.”

Motorola has launched Photo Tattoos, a print-your-own application for home computers that lets you print almost any photo or design onto peel-off stickers to decorate its most popular handsets. Orange is also planning a new series of do-it-yourself decorations for its customers – with their best home-made designs having the chance of being made into a real, limited edition handset.

And this is only the tip of the iceberg, according to Nokia’s Anthony Dalby: “Digital customisation possibilities have really only just begun to realise their potential. This is a very exciting new universe opening up.” The Finnish company recently supported a show by design students from Central St Martin’s, showcasing concepts such as intelligent phones that reflect emotions, websites where you can design your own phone and a wireless charm bracelet where each charm represents a different person – simply squeeze it to call them.

But what if you hanker for the good old days, when phones looked like phones and handled like house-bricks? Retrofone (www.retrofone.com) has hundreds of re-conditioned handsets from the 1990s, fully guaranteed and at pocket-money prices (from £20). Just don’t expect to be able to take pictures, make video-calls… or pull one out in the pub without that familiar sensation of handset shame.


Pimp your phone price list
£2.99 – Swarovski Heart Charm www.carphonewarehouse.co.uk
£4.99 - Playboy Bunny Charm www.carphonewarehouse.co.uk
£36 – Swarovski Padparadscha charm www.swarovski.co.uk
£40 – Siemens Gharani Strok Poppy Charm www.siemens-shop.co.uk
£90 - Cartier Heart-shaped phone strap www.cartier.co.uk
£195 – Bling Ring VIP service www.blingring.co.uk
From £13,000 – Hand-made 18-carat gold phone www.goldvish.com
£715,000 - Diamond and platinum Ancort phone www.aloisson.com